Yup. Still Here. It has been hard to find time to write. May days are spent endlessly entertaining and enjoying that little human being in my life. And... unless I want to be blogging at midnight - no thank you - I don't get around to doing it very often.
I got unsettling news this evening. My grandfather aka my PawPaw is on his deathbed. I won't go into details, but there is great doubt that he will make it through the night. Unfortunately, he lives in Florida with the rest of my mother's family lives. No chances to say goodbye.
The last time I saw my PawPaw was about 3 years ago when I had the wonderful opportunity to attend my cousin's wedding. He looked frail. Fragile and thin like a toothpick. Truly a man that has seen a lot in his day; and trust me he has.
Truth is I don't really know my PawPaw. In my entire life, I can only recollect one occasion where we spent any time together, just the two of us. I was 20 - yes, 5 years ago. This moment wasn't precious or sacred. It was me sitting on his lap while he told me stories of when he was younger. And if you know my PawPaw, you know that he was a bad man when he was younger.. stabbing, shooting, beating, alcoholic, jail time bad. Even with his past - and his crazy stories - there was a tenderness that he had when he talked to me and to my brother and sister. This tenderness is how I know my PawPaw, not by the stories that my mom tells of the way he was when she was a child. When he was evil.
I'm not sure I know how to mourn him. Death has been knocking on his doorstep for at least a decade - and I don't mean that with humor. We found out some years ago that he was diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver due to alcoholism and was only given 6 months to live. Again, this was some years ago. Since then there have been multiple hospital visits. Truly it was only a matter of time.
My heart aches for my mother. My heart aches for my aunts and uncles. My heart aches for the bitterness in my grandmother's heart - she refused to call 911 when he couldn't breathe, and has yet to visit him in the hospital. I wish I could be there to console my family. I wish my mother could be there. I wish I knew my PawPaw more as that tender fragile man and less as a young evil monster. However, regardless of what things he has done - he is my grandfather and with that comes love and forgiveness. I'm sorry that he will never meet my daughter and I hope that when she is learning about this man, she learns about how is was in the good days. I hope that he can be someone she would have loved to meet...
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| PawPaw & Nanny at my cousin's wedding - 2008 |
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| Order of appearance: Aunt Anne, Mom, Nanny, Uncle Randy, PawPaw, Aunt Judy and Aunt Charlotte Thanksgiving 2006 |
"It is not length of life, but depth of life." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
I'll ache with you, friend. Sometimes it's hard to sort out what we feel, or even put our finger on what we WANT to feel. Let me know if you need anything.
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